BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Imma just leave this here…………
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
#CoronaOutbreak
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.