My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
You Might Also Like
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.