Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
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My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
just gave your address to some spiders
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
*pronounces patio like ratio
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..