I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
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Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
opening a flower shop called women in stem
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Room with a view.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.