Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
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“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
That was easy.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products