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I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
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My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”