Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
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20s: There are three people? I鈥檓 not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I鈥檓 not going to the party
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Editor: What鈥檚 the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
#NeverForget
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby鈥檚 two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Calories don鈥檛 count if they鈥檙e connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 馃檹
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Livid.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see