Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
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I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.