[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
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Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n