A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
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[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
How is it still this week?
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.