The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
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We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
happy mother’s day❤️
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Just a friendly reminder!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Get in loser we’re going crying
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.