“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
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Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Cinematography is my passion
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
just witnessed a drug deal