Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
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TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
What about second breakfast?
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
The options really are this bad
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.