Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
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I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
For anyone who needs this today
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Thursday