My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
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Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly