I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
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[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…