Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
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Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Eat…
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
podcasts
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable