Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
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[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Tammy is short for Tamuel
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Customer is always right
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.