You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
You Might Also Like
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
gm
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.