My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
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what is cheese if not milk persevering
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician