date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
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*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
i love modern commerce
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
I am having an out of money experience.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response