me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
my dog when i have a friend over
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My god she’s good.
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Lol.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one