Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
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2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Money is the root of all wealth
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners