Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
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“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.