Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
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Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?