It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
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If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.