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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
it was a valiant fight
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”