Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
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“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
notice
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?