[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.