before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
This is true.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..