My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
You Might Also Like
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Mad Max Arctic Road
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”