Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
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WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.