14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
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If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
My inexpensive home security system…
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Mouse
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny