I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
incredible book dedication
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act