14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
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The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.