Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
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proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay