Am I having a stroke?
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Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
That time Alicia messaged me
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.