The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
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He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Don’t talk down to me
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy