Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
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ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
Why I divorced her.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
damn he’s good
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!