[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
You Might Also Like
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
They’re the worst 😩
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult