Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich