I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
You Might Also Like
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.