I sexually identify as a hand grenade
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The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.