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Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.