ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
You Might Also Like
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
This classic never gets old . . .
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.