[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
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Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
🌱🌱🌱
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
i spent way too long on this
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?