🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
You Might Also Like
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)