I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes