Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Children of the corn 🌽
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget