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Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..